oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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