Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
