I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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