I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Randomize
