I don't usually arrange sex via text message
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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