I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
