is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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