I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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