I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize