see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
