I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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