I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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