I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
