She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
