i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
