don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
4 words: hood of his car
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
