I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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