so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
