gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
