Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
