you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I touched a dick in church today
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
