Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
