I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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