I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
