I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
