btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
