Your tits are I can't wait for
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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