it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
