I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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