the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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