...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
