There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
