I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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