Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
