You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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