i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
