He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
