I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
