oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
