Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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