he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
