She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
