We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
