Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
