I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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