I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Everclear isn't food dammit
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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