i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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