I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
