Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
