Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
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