it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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