This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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