Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
