sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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