The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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