we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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