So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
