Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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