just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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